i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
