So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
