Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
