Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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