I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
