That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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