I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
