1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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