Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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