he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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