she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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