I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
