You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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