seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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