I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
