You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
