Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just high enough for therapy.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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