i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
