Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
