Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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