I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
