At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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