so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
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