and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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