dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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