i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
