I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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