4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
