I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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