Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
