i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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