Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
