i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
