So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
