Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I FOUND THE LEGS
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
