Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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