Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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