I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
