Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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