I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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