why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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