My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
