I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
