you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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