Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
