I haven't been this sober since birth.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
