If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
