VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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