I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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