How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
